A million reasons to cry, only one reason to smile. :)

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Home, by: Blake Shelton

I feel like the lyrics above pretty much sum up my life right now. Like, I really miss home, but I don't think it's home necessarily, I think the hardest part about college is that you really don't have an escape from it for any extended period of time. I miss having somewhere that I could call home, that wasn't surrounded by gossiping girls..I miss being able to relax somewhere and feel at peace somewhere. I feel like I'm constantly being judged here..and it really makes me feel alone. Thankfully, I have Travis and really great friends that teach me that I'm not alone, every day of my life. I know that God is truly listening, but sometimes I wish that I could just go home and escape the daily battles of living with girls who gossip wayy too much. My last visit home was amazing, but way too short.


So when I make a big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know Ill be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin
I will be just fine
cause nothin changes who I am

I am rosemarys granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My mommas still my biggest fan
Sometimes Im clueless and Im clumsy
But Ive got friends that love me
And they know just where I'm staying
Its all a part of me
And thats who I am

Who I am, by: Jessica Andrews

I feel like these lyrics give me the strength and determination to stand on my own two feet and realize that I'm never alone and that there is always someone that I can depend on and know that they are my friend. Its hard sometimes to realize that God puts you through only what you can handle. I know that there are people who have it worse then me, but right now I feel like my plate is pretty full, especially because I'm really missing my Dad and I feel like I'm missing apart of myself...because I feel like I missed out on great lessons from him that I have yet to learn. I guess I'm sort of seeking out an Earthly father figure and it scares me that no one will ever measure up to how I see my Dad, because he was mine. This song reminds me of him so much..and it makes me so sad that I can't share my love for him..to him. I guess that this blog is the second best thing.

Maybe I've been the problem
Maybe I'm the one to blame
But even when I turn it off and blame myself
The outcome feels the same
I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy
Maybe I'm the chance of rain
And maybe I'm overcast
And maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone
Everyone, you look so lonely
But when I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
When I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars, the stars
I feel like myself

Stars by: Switchfoot.

This song really makes me remember who I am. It reminds me to be a light and to do what's right and have integrity even when it's hard. I feel like I have the resolve to stand up for myself and for what I believe is right. I am so grateful that I have Travis and my family, beside me, and that I know that no matter what..I have them to catch my fall, if I should ever need them to. Like, I value that so much, because i know that they will back me, even when my decision seems wrong or unpopular. I know their love for me extends across all of that. I am so grateful for it as well.

I guess I'm just going through a hard time right now. I will need as many prayers, hugs, well wishes, friends, that I can get.

I love you all.
-Becky

Last Day in Austin, Texas.

I leave for college in less then 3 hours. I'm so nervous and excited to finally get out on my own. I'm so very grateful that Travis is going too. I pray that everything works out.

My Last Day in Austin was spent packing and cleaning my stupid room, but it's clean now. Thank God. No more worries about that. :) When I finished, my sister and I went to the mall and walked around..and then we went and got a banana split. I'm sad that I won't get to see her everyday. :(

I'm also sad because there are people I didn't get to say goodbye to. It seems like this summer really did test friendships, because like, people who I thought were my friend didn't really want to say goodbye to me. I guess that's part of growing up..it just hurts a bit I guess. I mean, I thought I had people that cared about me, but IDK...lol. Just feeling a bit lonely. I don't think I've been a very good friend either, I guess I should learn to manage my time better, that's what college is for.

I am so sore. My muscles keep getting this stabbing pain..earlier it was my arm, then my legs...I hope I'm not getting sick or something...maybe I just need to stay hydrated better. IDK, but I will feel better after I rest a little.

Anyway...I'm just nervous about college. I kind of wish I'd have checked the mail, I won a scholarship from Freedom Scholars. It's a scholarship a friend told me about. I'm going to use it to buy books. :) Then I get my debate scholarship in the mail after I send my fee bill..home to my mama...I'm taking 16 hours this semester. My schedule is pretty full, because the max is 18. I think 16 is fine, until I get used to what I have. I have morning classes, so I need to learn not to sleep in. I can't miss a class I'm paying for. That would be ridiculous. Any advice on how to wake up in the morning?

Anyway, Love you guys,.
See most of y'all in 4 months. :)
-Becky

I can't believe..

I really can't believe that I leave for college in less then a month! Wow. I'm actually looking for ways to generate a little bit of extra money..I've found a few paid survey sites and have been looking into work at home jobs, but none seem very legit to me. I've come across some great resources, but I think the best is word of mouth, does anyone know of any survey/wah (work at home) jobs that pay decently? I joined a bunch recently, but none seem to be giving me the kind of income that I want. :p. lol. It might be a lost cause though. So far I've joined..

Greenfield Online
mysurvey.com
Palm Research
Buzzback.com
surveyspot.com
Lightspeed Panel

I know that's a lot, but I haven't recieved any surveys from Buzzback.com. And mysurvey pays like 10 cents a survey so I don't see it as worth it really. I guess if I didn't give up so easily I could make some money. :) The most successful thing I've done is mturk.com, where you do hits for amazon, but I haven't made much off of that either.

So any advice? lol. I've been looking for a couple of days, but I think my looking for something better is the problem. :) Any recommendations?

If you want to join any of these sites, I would create a seperate email account, because there are A LOT of spam emails. I created a new yahoo account specifically for this.

Wellll...thanks for any advice you can offer. :0

College Countdown and a Review.

Wow, Summer is almost over. I will be living in the dorms in a month. It's crazy to think about how short/long this summer has been. I have went through so many changes and I think I'm finally starting to feel like an adult. I'm still working on getting all of my College Loans and things taken care of. It's sort of scary to think I'm going into debt. I got my first credit card, but I haven't really used it that much, I'm going to pay it off...and then leave it somewhere not in my wallet.

NYC was amazing. It's definitely a place to visit and not a place to live. I mean, a 20 oz bottle of soda was 2.18. It cost a lot just on food and snacks alone. I have a TON of pictures though, I'll post a few and a more detailed blog later..right now I'm kind of busy and haven't got time to chat about all the ups and downs on my blog.

I'm also going to review a forum that I came across, the Health Forum has a slew of different topics to read and relate to. I personally, am not a member, but I found that much of the information is very helpful and easily related to my life. It also features a few forums that are just for fun, making the forum much more friendly and personal. A sub-forum is on recipes which can help anyone who is looking to make their lifestyles a little more healthy. As far as I can tell the forum is also very active, meaning that if you have questions people will be able to help you with the answers.

Comment. :)

Vocaboly.com

There is a new website that features Vocabulary Software, it's www.vocaboly.com. I, personally, recommend that you download the trial version before you buy. This is a perfect way to get your child ready for the SAT's or even just to help them build a stronger and more substantial vocabulary. The software is compatible with Windows 95, 2000, XP, and Vista. This is not something for small children, although the levels of difficulty vary from 0-5, each scaled so that you can use it easily and efficiently. The software also includes games, which can make it easier for your child to learn, especially if they love video games or competition. The Software seems easy to use, there is a side bar that allows you to pick what you want to work on and whatnot. Vocaboly is 39.95 and can be paid for through paypal.

I hope you enjoy this review of Vocaboly.

The media.

I have been keeping up with the Jon&Kate stuff, in the tabloids and stuff, and to me it just seems like the media is trying to turn her into this horrible mother and her husband into this terrible father. I think the problem, is that people, forget that they have done the same things. Like, maybe not cheating on each other, but like, spanking your children or getting angry...or something. It makes me sick to think that so many people make it a point to criticize this family, when they have no idea how they would respond in the same or even a similar situation. Recently, I read the article of her "hitting her child," but how many of you parents out there have hit their children before? Like, even if you had the control not to, you know that it's crossed your mind. It's stupid. Like, my parents spanked me as a child and it was for my own good. It taught me my limits and helped me grow into the person I am. The article had all these shrinks say that it was like child abuse and that the child would have psychological trauma from it..but that makes no sense. What creates the trauma and the high stress situations is the fact that the media is in their lives day in and day out. They never get a break from it.

It just really frustrates me that so many people are so quick to judge the situation and say that Kate is a horrible mother who angers too easily, but let's get our heads on straight, I know for a fact, that all mothers, I don't care who you are get angry. It's a part of life, we all make mistakes, the only difference is that Jon and Kate's mistakes are public and yours are private.

Your argument may be that they chose to be famous, therefore they choose to have people criticize them, but it's still gossip, it's still morally wrong to judge someone for something that happens behind your front door, as well as hers.

Crazy Insomniac.

I'm having a hard time sleeping lately, so I usually just lay here, but now I think I've finally worn myself out. I'm glad for that. I've just been thinking about a lot of things that are happening...and I'm just overwhelmed.

I can't believe I'm graduating...I also can't believe that my Dad isn't here to see it. Like, the saddest part is that I really can't hear how proud he is of me, for accomplishing my goals. I'm so grateful that my Dad's dad is here, he makes me think of my Dad and I just feel like he would know what would make my dad proud. Ugh, I hate how unfair life is. Like, why do some people have their entire families around them and have never felt the same loss as I have? Why can't my Dad be here, when I need him. I hate to say, but I'm kind of angry with God, my Dad was young, why did he have to go? That's immature, right? But at the same time, I can't help it. I mean, logically I know that God had a reason to call my Dad home. He had a reason to take him, He had more important things to do in Heaven. That last one is what gets me, it really does...I mean, what is more important then being there for your children? I guess, I don't have that understanding, but it really bothers me that I won't ever fully understand my Dad's reason for leaving me..when he was needed. I mean, that's a pretty earthly mindset, but I am here, on Earth and I'm bitter. I want my Dad, he was my DAD. Travis got mad at me for saying this, he said that God knows what he's doing..and that I have good and solid memories with my Dad, but I'll never have that adult relationship with him, not on Earth anyway. It just makes me so angry.

I recently started playing Fable 2 on xbox..and I'm obsessed. :) I am totally into RPG's. I've tried First Person Shooters and everything, but I really enjoy Fable. It's amazing.

Like, (from above) Don't get me wrong, I love my Heavenly Father, but I just don't understand His reasoning..and I know I don't have to, but it bothers me. I'm also very grateful that I'm graduating. I'm so relieved to get out of High School. It's overrated.

Well...Later.
:)
-Becky

Angry-Hating High School-Hopes for the Future.

I quit my job, mostly because I couldn't handle the stress of working, going to school, dealing with everything that's been happening, and I don't know. I was just so overwhelmed with everything that I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt bad, but at the same time a lot of stress I'd been feeling relating to work and hours went away.

Too bad, the school couldn't not cause me more stress. I'm so angry at the school right now. Okay, I've been sick..and they've done absolutely nothing but harass me. I didn't turn in absence notes, didn't really think about it because hey, I go to school to get an education, not worry about the school intruding upon my business. Secondly, I didn't even have the notes to turn in..so I didn't worry about it. Well, the Assistant Principal, AP for short, in charge of the attendence note thing, calls me into her office and has this bad attitude and sticks me in lunch detention, for the whole hour..I didn't go, because, quite frankly, it was stupid...and I didn't want to. Well, then, they assign me a full day of ISS, over being absent. It was completely ridiculous..I call my mom and she clears up my absences..and they tell her I'm completely clear..what they didn't tell her is that I still had to serve ISS. She tells me I'm clear...well..I don't go to ISS Monday Morning, because I was supposed to be clear. So second period, they call me in and take me to ISS. I got pissed...and called my mom..and went ot ask the AP about it..and she said that it didn't matter that my absences were cleared, I still had to serve ISS. At this point, I'm crying, because as a student, there is absolutely nothing I can say to this women to get me to listen to her...and it frustrates me...so much. My mom pulls me out of ISS, we try to get things cleared up, instead we sit in another women's office and she tells me..that..

1. I have no rights as a student, if I'm given directions, I MUST follow them.
2. That I deserve more then one day of ISS, since I'm making logical points..
3. That no matter what I say, I can't get out of ISS..and that all I want to do is argue with her about why I'm in ISS.

I'm crying so hard and she's still being Miss-I-don't-care-about-your-problems. I make a point that I'm missing more class and she says that it's helping my education to sit in ISS. And then claims that..

1. Teacher's have no impact on education.
2. The administration has the right to tell me what to do.
3. I have no rights and no say in what's good for MY education.
4. Only the administration matters in terms of education.

Don't you think it's illogical for them to stick me in ISS for being ABSENT. It's like, come on stupid...let's let you miss MORE school...and ruin your future even more by telling you that you won't graduate. They use that threat so much and all it does is make me angry. I've worked to hard for too long for them to tell me some kind of--if only I cussed--like that. They act like they can stop me from succeeding. I'll be dead before they do that. If I don't graduate, then I'll get a GED, take my full scholarship to Hutchingson Community College and then transfer the next semester. I'm not stupid and I will succeed with or without their support. It just makes me angry that they would rather suppress a student and teach them that thinking is bad rather then acknowledge the fact that sometimes things are more then just black or white. I hate how they tell me I won't be successful, sorry, I'll be successful, because I've had good parents, grandparents, friends, and teachers who have embraced the fact that I know how to think. Thank God for them, because I know that all public school teaches you is to follow and suppresses free thought. I can say that, debate, Mr. Cunningham, Mr. Tansil, and a few other teachers actually teach students to THINK.

Sorry, I'm totally slamming public school, but I see an inherent flaw in my school and it frustrates me that no one is looking for a solution for why so many Title 1 schools fail. It's not teachers or students, it's the mindset that the administration works under and right now..the one at Del Valle...sucks, majorly.

I'm so angry.
But, wish Del Valle High School CX Debate teams Good Luck at districts,
and text/call/message me if you need to talk.
Love you guys.
-Becky

I'm a bit offended..

Well, I'm working from kubuntu, because I got a laptop from debate and my boyfriend decided I needed to learn something new...and that's not why I'm offended.

I really feel like this "drama" from some girls at church is getting out of hand and a bit more personal then I am comfortable with. I have no problem with anyone at church, because honestly..there isn't a reason for me to be. We are all daughters of our Heavenly Father, who will help each of us and who loves each of us the same. I don't intentionally hurt anyones feelings or make them feel bad. I am personally, offended about some comments that were made about me. Yes, I did just loose my Dad..and yes, I can afford to cut some people some slack..and I really wish that no one had to go through death..because the only person that can console a death is God...I am just feeling overwhelmed with some contentious feelings now. Feelings that didn't exist, 20 minutes ago. I mean, geez, how is it that this is one-sided? I just lost my dad, I understand the sense of loss, the pain, all of that. I can't hold the things that people say out of grief against them, because it's really easy to get angry when you know that there isn't anything that anyone can do.

A few weeks ago, the Bishop gave us a lesson on forgiveness. I chose to forgive, the moment that the Bishop showed us what forgiveness allows us to do. I chose to forgive long before that..maybe I am not implementing my forgiveness correctly, but I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm nice, then it seems superficial; if I'm polite, it's not genuine; if I joke around, it's mean; if I respond, it's not Christ-like. I really want a resolution and I felt like things were getting better. I haven't been to church in a few weeks..and maybe I missed something..but I'm sure someone would have told me if something bad happened. Now I'm really stressed out..and really want someone to talk to..because I need advice. I'm not sure why this couldn't have been resolved a long time ago. I really, truly, don't know what it is that I even did wrong in the first place, but however I offended whoever I offended, I truly apologize. I hate the idea of having someone not like me, but I am aware that I can never go back and change any of it.

That's the problem though, isn't it? I can't go back, because let me tell you something, I would go back and change so much..just little things that I could have done differently..especially concerning my Dad. The thing is that we can't go back, so we have to FORGIVE one another and ourselves for the things that were said and done. Ultimately, that forgiveness, has more to do with yourself..then anyone else. I mean, do I really want to let go of the hurtful things that were said to me? Do I really want to let go of the things I could have done differently? Do I really want to give all my sorrows and pains to my Savior? Do I want to give my control over my life to my loving Savior? Do I want to let him take my pain and forgive? I know, it's easy to say, "yes, I can"..but how easy is it really? The plan that our loving Heavenly Father put in place for us to help us grow strength sounds so simple. But as humans, we have the natural instinct to try and read another person and judge them based on our own knowledge of their sufferings, but the reason that Christ commanded us in Luke, to not judge one another is so that we can better forgive. How can I judge what's in the heart of another? I can't, but I can trust the heart of my Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. Christ's sacrifice proves so much that he loves each of us. The best person to judge forgiveness is our loving Father in Heaven, no one else can even begin to understand the pains of our hearts, better then He. So why don't we leave the judgments of someone else's heart, up to our God? What it comes down to is humility, can we really give all of this to God and give him control over our lives?

Like, don't get me wrong, this is my testimony, I would never in a million years claim that I am perfect at not judging people's hearts, feelings, or lives...I'm just making an observation about how each of us view forgiveness. I confess that I am really bad about it, a lot of the time. But, it's not something I am proud of and definitely not something I do because I want to inflict pain on someone else. I do it to avoid pain for myself. Call me selfish, but I am striving to be Christ-like, but I know that I have so far, so far, to go. Christ is the perfect example, He, knowingly, walked into our pains and afflictions, so that we may feel relief from them, both in this life and the life to come. The funny thing is that He knew, what He was facing and so did Our Father, but He walked into it, out of love and devotion to all of us who were unable to lead our own lives without a path for redemption. He knew that He was to be doubted by Thomas, but He still loved and trusted him. Shouldn't we do the same? Should we walk into a situation with good intentions only to think, because we can't truly know, that we will be hurt? It's a very human desire to want to avoid pain, but I think I will sacrifice my own hurt feelings and my own pain, in order to somehow resolve this whole thing. I am willing to get my feelings hurt because I want this situation to be over with. I will forgive anything that is said, even if I don't forget right away, because I hate seeing this divide in the Young Women. I'm not saying that I just want to be acquaintances, I mean, friends or at least, friendly. I would rather be hurt then have to cause pain, I am willing to trust that God will give me the strength to not loose my temper, to not stay hurt, and to forgive.

-Becky