I love you Daddy, you will be missed. RIP!

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."- Eskimo Proverb

This is that kind of blog, that kind where you never know exactly what to say or how to put things...and I'm a the kind of person who is never unable to use my words to convey what I'm feeling..so hopefully this isn't the most horrible peace of writing ever and I know you'll forgive me..but I guess I shouldn't worry about what you guys think of it...

I asked my mom if I could write the obituary, but I have no idea how to start or how long it should be or anything. I feel like, somehow this is my way of saying goodbye to him. I love to write, so I am hoping that it will make him proud of me..or that somehow it will lessen the grief I feel. I just know that it will make me feel so much better if I get everything that I'm feeling off my chest. I loved him very much, even though we argued like crazy..I still loved him..and I know he loved me. I want him to know how much..and now I'll never get the chance to tell him...I know he knew..but I look back and I want to take so much back and I can't. I hate that feeling, where you can't change something no matter how hard you try...the only thing we can do is pray for him to rest peacefully and for us to have the strength to live our lives without him. I know he's never fully gone..and that this isn't the end..but that doesn't stop me from missing him. Gosh..I just want everyone to promise me that they will never go to sleep angry with anyone and that they will tell people that they love, I love you as often as possible. Everytime you say goodbye make sure they know how much you love them.

I'm just not really the same person I was in the past. I'll never, ever, be the person that I was...because part of me is gone. I have so many memories with my Dad..my loving Daddy...like, when I got my heart broken, for the first time..I was, seriously like 16..and I cried to him..and he just held me..and told me that I needed some chocolate ice cream and chick flicks...or something to that effect. I'll miss that kind of humor..and I'll never forget the times he held me when I was sick..or all the times he'd wake us up really early and take us garage saling. I'll miss those times, forever, but I can't bring them back..and I'm so happy that I have them..because somehow that makes his passing more of a bitter sweet then a bitter memory.

You know that cliche..where they say that laughter is the cure to grief...and it's so true..I am so grateful for my family..and for my chosen family..Travis and all of my friends who have stood by me. A lot of people really surprised me..and I'm am just so grateful for all the support I have recieved. You have no idea how much just being there has helped me..how all the prayers..are helping...just keep praying and doing whatever you feel you need to. Travis...tried so hard the whole time he was here to make me and my family laugh..and he helped us so much.

I think I'm going to try and go back to school soon, I might miss some days next week..so I'll probably be at school on Thursday.....not that I'll be functioning. I just don't really want to keep explaining it to people..so if you see me..please don't ask. You can hug me..but I don't want to have to explain..because everytime I do..I have to relive this morning..over and over...and I can't do that...it hurts so much...

Anyway..this was long-winded..but I hope that it made you think and remember your loved ones. The quote at the beginning was something my sister's friend left on her facebook, that I absolutely adore. I guess there is a new star in the Heavens tonight. I know he's looking down and sending his love..I just really want a hug.

I love all of you.
-Becky

Two months is a long time!!!

Wow! I should post more, but here's an update..for all of you have been going crazy...not talking to me..or reading from me. Well, this is my update, sorry if it's a little long..and boring!

So, I'll start with school or schooling...first. I got into Sterling College in Sterling, KS. Woo...but I've realized just how much debt I would have to incur and just how scary it is to go into debt..especially in a spiraling economy. I mean, they awarded me a $9,000 dollar scholarship, per year, but....that still leaves me with $13, 500 to figure out, of course, this excludes my FAFSA..but I don't know how much I'm going to get for that...so..I can't really bank on a lot of money. So I will be in debt..my debate coach says that it's better to try a community college, out-of-state, because I could get a full-ride and be picked up on the college radar for debate. It's like a blow to my pride to hear that...and it's hard to think of that. It's a back up plan. It's not ACC, it's Hutchinson CC in Kansas.....and like..they have housing...and I can be picked up that way..I don't know..we'll see. I guess I have a lot of praying to do.

Now, on to...Senior Year! It's been crazy and insane! Like I keep thinking I hope I don't get burned-out from all the work...like..working and going to school..but I don't think I will..I mean, people do it all the time...and plus, I am having some fun. I can't wait for graduation..but I'm nervous...still.

It's Christmas-Time!!! =] We're "putting up the tree" So I got to go..and help clean up..some. We just had to clean a part of the garage. :)

-Becky