I'm a bit offended..

Well, I'm working from kubuntu, because I got a laptop from debate and my boyfriend decided I needed to learn something new...and that's not why I'm offended.

I really feel like this "drama" from some girls at church is getting out of hand and a bit more personal then I am comfortable with. I have no problem with anyone at church, because honestly..there isn't a reason for me to be. We are all daughters of our Heavenly Father, who will help each of us and who loves each of us the same. I don't intentionally hurt anyones feelings or make them feel bad. I am personally, offended about some comments that were made about me. Yes, I did just loose my Dad..and yes, I can afford to cut some people some slack..and I really wish that no one had to go through death..because the only person that can console a death is God...I am just feeling overwhelmed with some contentious feelings now. Feelings that didn't exist, 20 minutes ago. I mean, geez, how is it that this is one-sided? I just lost my dad, I understand the sense of loss, the pain, all of that. I can't hold the things that people say out of grief against them, because it's really easy to get angry when you know that there isn't anything that anyone can do.

A few weeks ago, the Bishop gave us a lesson on forgiveness. I chose to forgive, the moment that the Bishop showed us what forgiveness allows us to do. I chose to forgive long before that..maybe I am not implementing my forgiveness correctly, but I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm nice, then it seems superficial; if I'm polite, it's not genuine; if I joke around, it's mean; if I respond, it's not Christ-like. I really want a resolution and I felt like things were getting better. I haven't been to church in a few weeks..and maybe I missed something..but I'm sure someone would have told me if something bad happened. Now I'm really stressed out..and really want someone to talk to..because I need advice. I'm not sure why this couldn't have been resolved a long time ago. I really, truly, don't know what it is that I even did wrong in the first place, but however I offended whoever I offended, I truly apologize. I hate the idea of having someone not like me, but I am aware that I can never go back and change any of it.

That's the problem though, isn't it? I can't go back, because let me tell you something, I would go back and change so much..just little things that I could have done differently..especially concerning my Dad. The thing is that we can't go back, so we have to FORGIVE one another and ourselves for the things that were said and done. Ultimately, that forgiveness, has more to do with yourself..then anyone else. I mean, do I really want to let go of the hurtful things that were said to me? Do I really want to let go of the things I could have done differently? Do I really want to give all my sorrows and pains to my Savior? Do I want to give my control over my life to my loving Savior? Do I want to let him take my pain and forgive? I know, it's easy to say, "yes, I can"..but how easy is it really? The plan that our loving Heavenly Father put in place for us to help us grow strength sounds so simple. But as humans, we have the natural instinct to try and read another person and judge them based on our own knowledge of their sufferings, but the reason that Christ commanded us in Luke, to not judge one another is so that we can better forgive. How can I judge what's in the heart of another? I can't, but I can trust the heart of my Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. Christ's sacrifice proves so much that he loves each of us. The best person to judge forgiveness is our loving Father in Heaven, no one else can even begin to understand the pains of our hearts, better then He. So why don't we leave the judgments of someone else's heart, up to our God? What it comes down to is humility, can we really give all of this to God and give him control over our lives?

Like, don't get me wrong, this is my testimony, I would never in a million years claim that I am perfect at not judging people's hearts, feelings, or lives...I'm just making an observation about how each of us view forgiveness. I confess that I am really bad about it, a lot of the time. But, it's not something I am proud of and definitely not something I do because I want to inflict pain on someone else. I do it to avoid pain for myself. Call me selfish, but I am striving to be Christ-like, but I know that I have so far, so far, to go. Christ is the perfect example, He, knowingly, walked into our pains and afflictions, so that we may feel relief from them, both in this life and the life to come. The funny thing is that He knew, what He was facing and so did Our Father, but He walked into it, out of love and devotion to all of us who were unable to lead our own lives without a path for redemption. He knew that He was to be doubted by Thomas, but He still loved and trusted him. Shouldn't we do the same? Should we walk into a situation with good intentions only to think, because we can't truly know, that we will be hurt? It's a very human desire to want to avoid pain, but I think I will sacrifice my own hurt feelings and my own pain, in order to somehow resolve this whole thing. I am willing to get my feelings hurt because I want this situation to be over with. I will forgive anything that is said, even if I don't forget right away, because I hate seeing this divide in the Young Women. I'm not saying that I just want to be acquaintances, I mean, friends or at least, friendly. I would rather be hurt then have to cause pain, I am willing to trust that God will give me the strength to not loose my temper, to not stay hurt, and to forgive.

-Becky