I'm a bit offended..

Well, I'm working from kubuntu, because I got a laptop from debate and my boyfriend decided I needed to learn something new...and that's not why I'm offended.

I really feel like this "drama" from some girls at church is getting out of hand and a bit more personal then I am comfortable with. I have no problem with anyone at church, because honestly..there isn't a reason for me to be. We are all daughters of our Heavenly Father, who will help each of us and who loves each of us the same. I don't intentionally hurt anyones feelings or make them feel bad. I am personally, offended about some comments that were made about me. Yes, I did just loose my Dad..and yes, I can afford to cut some people some slack..and I really wish that no one had to go through death..because the only person that can console a death is God...I am just feeling overwhelmed with some contentious feelings now. Feelings that didn't exist, 20 minutes ago. I mean, geez, how is it that this is one-sided? I just lost my dad, I understand the sense of loss, the pain, all of that. I can't hold the things that people say out of grief against them, because it's really easy to get angry when you know that there isn't anything that anyone can do.

A few weeks ago, the Bishop gave us a lesson on forgiveness. I chose to forgive, the moment that the Bishop showed us what forgiveness allows us to do. I chose to forgive long before that..maybe I am not implementing my forgiveness correctly, but I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm nice, then it seems superficial; if I'm polite, it's not genuine; if I joke around, it's mean; if I respond, it's not Christ-like. I really want a resolution and I felt like things were getting better. I haven't been to church in a few weeks..and maybe I missed something..but I'm sure someone would have told me if something bad happened. Now I'm really stressed out..and really want someone to talk to..because I need advice. I'm not sure why this couldn't have been resolved a long time ago. I really, truly, don't know what it is that I even did wrong in the first place, but however I offended whoever I offended, I truly apologize. I hate the idea of having someone not like me, but I am aware that I can never go back and change any of it.

That's the problem though, isn't it? I can't go back, because let me tell you something, I would go back and change so much..just little things that I could have done differently..especially concerning my Dad. The thing is that we can't go back, so we have to FORGIVE one another and ourselves for the things that were said and done. Ultimately, that forgiveness, has more to do with yourself..then anyone else. I mean, do I really want to let go of the hurtful things that were said to me? Do I really want to let go of the things I could have done differently? Do I really want to give all my sorrows and pains to my Savior? Do I want to give my control over my life to my loving Savior? Do I want to let him take my pain and forgive? I know, it's easy to say, "yes, I can"..but how easy is it really? The plan that our loving Heavenly Father put in place for us to help us grow strength sounds so simple. But as humans, we have the natural instinct to try and read another person and judge them based on our own knowledge of their sufferings, but the reason that Christ commanded us in Luke, to not judge one another is so that we can better forgive. How can I judge what's in the heart of another? I can't, but I can trust the heart of my Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. Christ's sacrifice proves so much that he loves each of us. The best person to judge forgiveness is our loving Father in Heaven, no one else can even begin to understand the pains of our hearts, better then He. So why don't we leave the judgments of someone else's heart, up to our God? What it comes down to is humility, can we really give all of this to God and give him control over our lives?

Like, don't get me wrong, this is my testimony, I would never in a million years claim that I am perfect at not judging people's hearts, feelings, or lives...I'm just making an observation about how each of us view forgiveness. I confess that I am really bad about it, a lot of the time. But, it's not something I am proud of and definitely not something I do because I want to inflict pain on someone else. I do it to avoid pain for myself. Call me selfish, but I am striving to be Christ-like, but I know that I have so far, so far, to go. Christ is the perfect example, He, knowingly, walked into our pains and afflictions, so that we may feel relief from them, both in this life and the life to come. The funny thing is that He knew, what He was facing and so did Our Father, but He walked into it, out of love and devotion to all of us who were unable to lead our own lives without a path for redemption. He knew that He was to be doubted by Thomas, but He still loved and trusted him. Shouldn't we do the same? Should we walk into a situation with good intentions only to think, because we can't truly know, that we will be hurt? It's a very human desire to want to avoid pain, but I think I will sacrifice my own hurt feelings and my own pain, in order to somehow resolve this whole thing. I am willing to get my feelings hurt because I want this situation to be over with. I will forgive anything that is said, even if I don't forget right away, because I hate seeing this divide in the Young Women. I'm not saying that I just want to be acquaintances, I mean, friends or at least, friendly. I would rather be hurt then have to cause pain, I am willing to trust that God will give me the strength to not loose my temper, to not stay hurt, and to forgive.

-Becky

I love you Daddy, you will be missed. RIP!

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."- Eskimo Proverb

This is that kind of blog, that kind where you never know exactly what to say or how to put things...and I'm a the kind of person who is never unable to use my words to convey what I'm feeling..so hopefully this isn't the most horrible peace of writing ever and I know you'll forgive me..but I guess I shouldn't worry about what you guys think of it...

I asked my mom if I could write the obituary, but I have no idea how to start or how long it should be or anything. I feel like, somehow this is my way of saying goodbye to him. I love to write, so I am hoping that it will make him proud of me..or that somehow it will lessen the grief I feel. I just know that it will make me feel so much better if I get everything that I'm feeling off my chest. I loved him very much, even though we argued like crazy..I still loved him..and I know he loved me. I want him to know how much..and now I'll never get the chance to tell him...I know he knew..but I look back and I want to take so much back and I can't. I hate that feeling, where you can't change something no matter how hard you try...the only thing we can do is pray for him to rest peacefully and for us to have the strength to live our lives without him. I know he's never fully gone..and that this isn't the end..but that doesn't stop me from missing him. Gosh..I just want everyone to promise me that they will never go to sleep angry with anyone and that they will tell people that they love, I love you as often as possible. Everytime you say goodbye make sure they know how much you love them.

I'm just not really the same person I was in the past. I'll never, ever, be the person that I was...because part of me is gone. I have so many memories with my Dad..my loving Daddy...like, when I got my heart broken, for the first time..I was, seriously like 16..and I cried to him..and he just held me..and told me that I needed some chocolate ice cream and chick flicks...or something to that effect. I'll miss that kind of humor..and I'll never forget the times he held me when I was sick..or all the times he'd wake us up really early and take us garage saling. I'll miss those times, forever, but I can't bring them back..and I'm so happy that I have them..because somehow that makes his passing more of a bitter sweet then a bitter memory.

You know that cliche..where they say that laughter is the cure to grief...and it's so true..I am so grateful for my family..and for my chosen family..Travis and all of my friends who have stood by me. A lot of people really surprised me..and I'm am just so grateful for all the support I have recieved. You have no idea how much just being there has helped me..how all the prayers..are helping...just keep praying and doing whatever you feel you need to. Travis...tried so hard the whole time he was here to make me and my family laugh..and he helped us so much.

I think I'm going to try and go back to school soon, I might miss some days next week..so I'll probably be at school on Thursday.....not that I'll be functioning. I just don't really want to keep explaining it to people..so if you see me..please don't ask. You can hug me..but I don't want to have to explain..because everytime I do..I have to relive this morning..over and over...and I can't do that...it hurts so much...

Anyway..this was long-winded..but I hope that it made you think and remember your loved ones. The quote at the beginning was something my sister's friend left on her facebook, that I absolutely adore. I guess there is a new star in the Heavens tonight. I know he's looking down and sending his love..I just really want a hug.

I love all of you.
-Becky

Two months is a long time!!!

Wow! I should post more, but here's an update..for all of you have been going crazy...not talking to me..or reading from me. Well, this is my update, sorry if it's a little long..and boring!

So, I'll start with school or schooling...first. I got into Sterling College in Sterling, KS. Woo...but I've realized just how much debt I would have to incur and just how scary it is to go into debt..especially in a spiraling economy. I mean, they awarded me a $9,000 dollar scholarship, per year, but....that still leaves me with $13, 500 to figure out, of course, this excludes my FAFSA..but I don't know how much I'm going to get for that...so..I can't really bank on a lot of money. So I will be in debt..my debate coach says that it's better to try a community college, out-of-state, because I could get a full-ride and be picked up on the college radar for debate. It's like a blow to my pride to hear that...and it's hard to think of that. It's a back up plan. It's not ACC, it's Hutchinson CC in Kansas.....and like..they have housing...and I can be picked up that way..I don't know..we'll see. I guess I have a lot of praying to do.

Now, on to...Senior Year! It's been crazy and insane! Like I keep thinking I hope I don't get burned-out from all the work...like..working and going to school..but I don't think I will..I mean, people do it all the time...and plus, I am having some fun. I can't wait for graduation..but I'm nervous...still.

It's Christmas-Time!!! =] We're "putting up the tree" So I got to go..and help clean up..some. We just had to clean a part of the garage. :)

-Becky

Pray for Kayla...

All the people that read this probably have never met her, but please pray for her anyway.
Kayla, had a recent kidney transplant, well her body rejected the kidney..please pray for her.

And please pray for her family as well, Kayla is Travis's brother...
right now they just left for Louisville where Kayla is in the hospital...
Travis, his mom, Nicole, and their Aunt are all on their way down there right now.
Pray that it will be a safe trip...and for Kayla's recovery.

Thank you guys so much..
-Becky

Senior Year...Beginnings.

It's been too long since I've last blogged. (lol) Well, just to recap my first week..I hated it. The school, won't count my ACC credit so I plan to test out of PE or take it online. I'm not getting German..but I do have a class with Travis now..so that's a plus. I think out of the whole day, my favorite class is Anatomy and Physiology. I hate science, but the teacher is so nice and she's absolutely hilarious. Plus, I actually talk to people in that class. I am hating my English class, which is nothing new..but like..the teacher is so CONDESCENDING! I'm not even kidding. She treats us like little kids...we have to turn in vocabulary words..and she's requiring that we read 150 words or more per six weeks. I do it anyway, but she is making us write essays on it. It's an AP class..and she's REQUIRING notebook checks. She's is giving handouts and not notes..and she's acting like I have no idea how to pass a test. It's frustrating. It's just the way she says things. I can't explain it. 'I don't expect many of you guys to pass', 'I have never had less then 70% of my students pass, but I don't expect that from y'all'. Ugh..I can't stand it. Like, because we attend Del Valle High School..none of us are intelligent at all. I always have problems with my English teachers, but she's just like...juvenile. I'm an auditory learner, handouts DON'T help me. I'm so frustrated with the class. I actually miss Mrs. McCombs...and that's really hard for me to admit. We have to get all the books we read approved by her--who are you to tell me what to read? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I am just so frustrated. There are a few students who know what we're doing and we're all so disgusted with what she's saying. I don't like her..and I don't like how she treats her students. I ask a question and she totally ignores me. I answer her questions and she stops letting me answer. She thinks we're all idiots, but I don't think an idiot could score a 3 on last year's test. I understand this test is over literature, but don't tell me I'm an idiot..without thinking twice! Ugh. I suck at multiple choice, but I can write. Give me an essay already..and I'll prove you wrong!

Anyways, my other favorite class is Tech Theatre. I'm not loud and don't do drama well, so I opted for my fine arts credit to be Technical Theatre. This class has been so fun..so far. I really am looking forward to it. It's easy..and the teacher is great. =] I have a PE class, and what kind of PE class makes you walk around a gym for half an hour? They won't count my credit..but they'll make me walk around a Gym. I'm hating it because these little freshman, i mean sophomores, are so vulgar and disgusting. They keep making nasty comments about how they want to ________ random girls. I told them one day..to just stop because girls aren't attracted to little boys who do nothing but talk. They make fun of people all the time..I always tell them to stop. I tried ignoring it..but it's hard when they sit next to you during stretches..it's uncomfortable. I just tell them to stop when they start being stupid. For the most part, they have stopped, I know i totally sounded like a teacher or something..but I really don't care. It scared them..the rest of the class thinks they are immature..so it makes me laugh. What's with high school students standing up for what's right when they realize it's not cool to be an idiot? They all laughed at these boys..but as soon as I tell them it's not funny and that they need to stop..suddenly they agree and stop laughing? I guess I just made them realize that they can have fun and be mature about it.

So, I'm hoping this year gets better. It's already looking better. I'm kind of sad because I can't wear skirts to school because of PE. We don't get to dress out. I think I'm going to anyway and I'll change at lunch..and walk around in b-ball shorts the rest of the day. lol.

-Becky

Tomorrow? A senior?

Okay, so summer being over is making me a little crazy. I need to do laundry..and get whatever it is I need for High School, into my backpack tonight. Tomorrow morning, really isn't going to be much fun, because I'm going to be in the counselor's office, because they keep screwing up my transcript. I've been down there so many times about this, until they finally said the counselors weren't seeing students..what the heck? It's their JOB. They will see me, because my Dad is going with me. Being 17, it's really odd to be like..yeah..my parents are taking care of it, but they really won't listen to me..and they push me around. It got old...my Dad gets what he wants..because he's the adult. (crazy, huh?) I mean, they get mad when students bring down their parents, but if the school doesn't listen, then what else are we supposed to do..? lol.

This year is going to be weird, last week, when the counselors wouldn't see us, we made friends (me and Travis) with Ms. Longoria, the hall monitor...and made sure all the others were on friendly terms with a bunch of the APs. I learned last year, that this makes life a whole lot easier..at least at Del Valle, because they trust you more. Not that I'm going to do something outrageously bad, but you can walk around without people screaming at you..and that makes life so much easier.

A friend, I've been going to school with for a long time, graduated this summer, actually two of them, and it's going to be weird to not see them or hang out with them. Yesterday, we went to one of the graduates baby showers, (that's why she graduated) and it was a lot of fun just to hang out with her again for a little while...afterwards we went to the mall..and looked around in baby stores..why is everything so expensive? She was telling us about how her and her boyfriend, could barely afford the doctor bills..and I felt kind of bad...it really forces you to grow up. Thank goodness her mom is as supportive as humanly possible, without taking away personal responsibility. She is letting them live with her for free..and is helping out some with buying baby stuff. I'm going to spend some money from each of my paychecks to help out to, because I know that they are both trying their best to make things work..and they need some help. I'm going to call her when I get paid again....and ask what else she needs for the baby. I thought it was weird how she invited friends, but only people who at the end of the year, showed her some kind of support. So many people were just so mean about the pregnancy..it's not like it's something you can take back. I'm also really grateful that I don't have to go through something like this....because of the things that I've been taught.

Anyways, i don't know what to expect out of this year..but I'll post again tomorrow..so that I can tell you how my scheduling/transcript problems are going down.

Oh, I'ma try and test out of certain classes. lol. =] It's going to cost me $60..so I don't know when/how I'm going to afford it.

Thank you, Sister Simonsen for the nomination for the tag. Not really sure what I'm supposed to do since I didn't win. lol. But, I'm going to place a link to her page. =]
-Becky

Another Summer Blog!

Sadly, I think this is going to be the last blog until school starts!! I'm really excited for it to start again, I miss the brain stimulation! I'm not looking forward to many of my classes because they put me in classes i didn't want or ask for, but I'm going to keep my schedule how it is, because, I don't want to argue with them anymore! I have so many "sleep" classes, I hope I'm able to get some sleeping in! (I know teachers hate it..) I'm a senior; finally. I was really sad to hear that some of my favorite staff members left! Mr. Van Geem, the german teacher is teaching at Lehman now, we get a new one..i don't know if I'm going to like him or not. And Mr. Conrardy left, he is/was he AP coordinator. I was shocked...and disappointed because he's ugh, i don't know...really good at his job. So this year is going to be so much different then all my other years, because I'm not used to not having teachers that I like! Of course, the main ones are still there, so I'm not going to worry just yet!!

So, for the remainder of my summer, I'm pretty sure I'll be working! I'm not sure if I like it, I've been on drive-thru a lot lately, and I'm really tired of it already. lol. Today, I was on register and it's so much SLOWER then drive-thru. I like the challenge of drive-thru..I just don't feel like I'm very good at it. LOL! Everyone is really cool, I'm just being super shy, which is both odd and not for me. I'm shy, but only around people I don't know, minus church people, for the most part!

Savior of the World was amazing..I feel like we really made a difference in peoples lives. I can't wait for the DVD's so I can find out how we all looked! I really hope that I get to share it with people that I know. I'm also really excited, because Travis decided he wanted to learn more about the gospel, he said he probably wasn't going to be baptized, but that he's interested..and that's always where it all starts. I just needa find somewhere to have to teach..because my house and his house are not working out very well.

That's pretty much all, lol.
-Becky!