Well, I'm working from kubuntu, because I got a laptop from debate and my boyfriend decided I needed to learn something new...and that's not why I'm offended.
I really feel like this "drama" from some girls at church is getting out of hand and a bit more personal then I am comfortable with. I have no problem with anyone at church, because honestly..there isn't a reason for me to be. We are all daughters of our Heavenly Father, who will help each of us and who loves each of us the same. I don't intentionally hurt anyones feelings or make them feel bad. I am personally, offended about some comments that were made about me. Yes, I did just loose my Dad..and yes, I can afford to cut some people some slack..and I really wish that no one had to go through death..because the only person that can console a death is God...I am just feeling overwhelmed with some contentious feelings now. Feelings that didn't exist, 20 minutes ago. I mean, geez, how is it that this is one-sided? I just lost my dad, I understand the sense of loss, the pain, all of that. I can't hold the things that people say out of grief against them, because it's really easy to get angry when you know that there isn't anything that anyone can do.
A few weeks ago, the Bishop gave us a lesson on forgiveness. I chose to forgive, the moment that the Bishop showed us what forgiveness allows us to do. I chose to forgive long before that..maybe I am not implementing my forgiveness correctly, but I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm nice, then it seems superficial; if I'm polite, it's not genuine; if I joke around, it's mean; if I respond, it's not Christ-like. I really want a resolution and I felt like things were getting better. I haven't been to church in a few weeks..and maybe I missed something..but I'm sure someone would have told me if something bad happened. Now I'm really stressed out..and really want someone to talk to..because I need advice. I'm not sure why this couldn't have been resolved a long time ago. I really, truly, don't know what it is that I even did wrong in the first place, but however I offended whoever I offended, I truly apologize. I hate the idea of having someone not like me, but I am aware that I can never go back and change any of it.
That's the problem though, isn't it? I can't go back, because let me tell you something, I would go back and change so much..just little things that I could have done differently..especially concerning my Dad. The thing is that we can't go back, so we have to FORGIVE one another and ourselves for the things that were said and done. Ultimately, that forgiveness, has more to do with yourself..then anyone else. I mean, do I really want to let go of the hurtful things that were said to me? Do I really want to let go of the things I could have done differently? Do I really want to give all my sorrows and pains to my Savior? Do I want to give my control over my life to my loving Savior? Do I want to let him take my pain and forgive? I know, it's easy to say, "yes, I can"..but how easy is it really? The plan that our loving Heavenly Father put in place for us to help us grow strength sounds so simple. But as humans, we have the natural instinct to try and read another person and judge them based on our own knowledge of their sufferings, but the reason that Christ commanded us in Luke, to not judge one another is so that we can better forgive. How can I judge what's in the heart of another? I can't, but I can trust the heart of my Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. Christ's sacrifice proves so much that he loves each of us. The best person to judge forgiveness is our loving Father in Heaven, no one else can even begin to understand the pains of our hearts, better then He. So why don't we leave the judgments of someone else's heart, up to our God? What it comes down to is humility, can we really give all of this to God and give him control over our lives?
Like, don't get me wrong, this is my testimony, I would never in a million years claim that I am perfect at not judging people's hearts, feelings, or lives...I'm just making an observation about how each of us view forgiveness. I confess that I am really bad about it, a lot of the time. But, it's not something I am proud of and definitely not something I do because I want to inflict pain on someone else. I do it to avoid pain for myself. Call me selfish, but I am striving to be Christ-like, but I know that I have so far, so far, to go. Christ is the perfect example, He, knowingly, walked into our pains and afflictions, so that we may feel relief from them, both in this life and the life to come. The funny thing is that He knew, what He was facing and so did Our Father, but He walked into it, out of love and devotion to all of us who were unable to lead our own lives without a path for redemption. He knew that He was to be doubted by Thomas, but He still loved and trusted him. Shouldn't we do the same? Should we walk into a situation with good intentions only to think, because we can't truly know, that we will be hurt? It's a very human desire to want to avoid pain, but I think I will sacrifice my own hurt feelings and my own pain, in order to somehow resolve this whole thing. I am willing to get my feelings hurt because I want this situation to be over with. I will forgive anything that is said, even if I don't forget right away, because I hate seeing this divide in the Young Women. I'm not saying that I just want to be acquaintances, I mean, friends or at least, friendly. I would rather be hurt then have to cause pain, I am willing to trust that God will give me the strength to not loose my temper, to not stay hurt, and to forgive.
-Becky
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oh becky that is so hard, everything about what you wrote is so hard. It is sad that relationships have to be so complicated sometimes, and for some reason they truly are more complicated during our teens.
I don't really have any sage advise, or maybe just a little, but recently I had a friend well someone I thought was a friend, sit me down and basically tell me I was evil and a hyprocrite and she didn't even think she oould be friends with me and on and on...I just sat there, I had no idea what to say, nor had I ever had anyone say things about me, at least to my face. She left and I cried really hard. for days actually. After she left I sat down at the computer and wrote her a long email, I am better with written words than I am with verbal words.
I apologized to her for "Everything" I did...using the word everything because I still had no idea what it was I said or did, because I didn't want to go into it with her and just thought we were grown up enough to know that we are all not perfect nor do we all always agree on things. Anyway, I felt better apologizing for it, though I still didn't knwo what it was. She sent a short email that said thanks.
It made me go from sad to mad that she didn't even offer her apologies or anything.
THough she had forgiven me and was "Friendly" I all of a sudden was holding a grudge, not wanting to be a friend with someone that could be so mean and so not sorry about it all.
But then I realized, I did all that I could. I needed to now forgive her, even though she didn't ask.
Anyway, my whole point of telling you that story that I didn't tell anyone other than my mom about, is that sometimes the only thing we can do is offer our apologies, and then go on.
I really hope that you can work things out. You have such a mature attitude and maybe you can call the girls together, and just say, maybe you knwo what was said but just say what you did here, and let them know that you are sorry and hope that they can offer their apologies too.
ok one more story, since this comment has been turned into a blog entry, but in high school a friend and I got into a fight about who knows what....happened at the beginning of the school year and for some reason we didn't talk all year. then the last day of school we had a beach party and she came up to me, and I was thinking holy crap don't want to talk. She just put her arms around me and said "I am sorry. I don't know why we are mad at each other but it is silly. Lets just be friends." Just that simple and we were friends again.
Anyway good luck to you.
And again I am so sorry about your loss. Eric and I talk about you guys a lot. And you are in our prayers.
and if you ever want to talk, or vent to me, feel free, though you probably don't want all my longwinded comments huh?
fourkidsnodog at yahoo dot com eamil me any time. love you
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