The media.

I have been keeping up with the Jon&Kate stuff, in the tabloids and stuff, and to me it just seems like the media is trying to turn her into this horrible mother and her husband into this terrible father. I think the problem, is that people, forget that they have done the same things. Like, maybe not cheating on each other, but like, spanking your children or getting angry...or something. It makes me sick to think that so many people make it a point to criticize this family, when they have no idea how they would respond in the same or even a similar situation. Recently, I read the article of her "hitting her child," but how many of you parents out there have hit their children before? Like, even if you had the control not to, you know that it's crossed your mind. It's stupid. Like, my parents spanked me as a child and it was for my own good. It taught me my limits and helped me grow into the person I am. The article had all these shrinks say that it was like child abuse and that the child would have psychological trauma from it..but that makes no sense. What creates the trauma and the high stress situations is the fact that the media is in their lives day in and day out. They never get a break from it.

It just really frustrates me that so many people are so quick to judge the situation and say that Kate is a horrible mother who angers too easily, but let's get our heads on straight, I know for a fact, that all mothers, I don't care who you are get angry. It's a part of life, we all make mistakes, the only difference is that Jon and Kate's mistakes are public and yours are private.

Your argument may be that they chose to be famous, therefore they choose to have people criticize them, but it's still gossip, it's still morally wrong to judge someone for something that happens behind your front door, as well as hers.

Crazy Insomniac.

I'm having a hard time sleeping lately, so I usually just lay here, but now I think I've finally worn myself out. I'm glad for that. I've just been thinking about a lot of things that are happening...and I'm just overwhelmed.

I can't believe I'm graduating...I also can't believe that my Dad isn't here to see it. Like, the saddest part is that I really can't hear how proud he is of me, for accomplishing my goals. I'm so grateful that my Dad's dad is here, he makes me think of my Dad and I just feel like he would know what would make my dad proud. Ugh, I hate how unfair life is. Like, why do some people have their entire families around them and have never felt the same loss as I have? Why can't my Dad be here, when I need him. I hate to say, but I'm kind of angry with God, my Dad was young, why did he have to go? That's immature, right? But at the same time, I can't help it. I mean, logically I know that God had a reason to call my Dad home. He had a reason to take him, He had more important things to do in Heaven. That last one is what gets me, it really does...I mean, what is more important then being there for your children? I guess, I don't have that understanding, but it really bothers me that I won't ever fully understand my Dad's reason for leaving me..when he was needed. I mean, that's a pretty earthly mindset, but I am here, on Earth and I'm bitter. I want my Dad, he was my DAD. Travis got mad at me for saying this, he said that God knows what he's doing..and that I have good and solid memories with my Dad, but I'll never have that adult relationship with him, not on Earth anyway. It just makes me so angry.

I recently started playing Fable 2 on xbox..and I'm obsessed. :) I am totally into RPG's. I've tried First Person Shooters and everything, but I really enjoy Fable. It's amazing.

Like, (from above) Don't get me wrong, I love my Heavenly Father, but I just don't understand His reasoning..and I know I don't have to, but it bothers me. I'm also very grateful that I'm graduating. I'm so relieved to get out of High School. It's overrated.

Well...Later.
:)
-Becky

Angry-Hating High School-Hopes for the Future.

I quit my job, mostly because I couldn't handle the stress of working, going to school, dealing with everything that's been happening, and I don't know. I was just so overwhelmed with everything that I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt bad, but at the same time a lot of stress I'd been feeling relating to work and hours went away.

Too bad, the school couldn't not cause me more stress. I'm so angry at the school right now. Okay, I've been sick..and they've done absolutely nothing but harass me. I didn't turn in absence notes, didn't really think about it because hey, I go to school to get an education, not worry about the school intruding upon my business. Secondly, I didn't even have the notes to turn in..so I didn't worry about it. Well, the Assistant Principal, AP for short, in charge of the attendence note thing, calls me into her office and has this bad attitude and sticks me in lunch detention, for the whole hour..I didn't go, because, quite frankly, it was stupid...and I didn't want to. Well, then, they assign me a full day of ISS, over being absent. It was completely ridiculous..I call my mom and she clears up my absences..and they tell her I'm completely clear..what they didn't tell her is that I still had to serve ISS. She tells me I'm clear...well..I don't go to ISS Monday Morning, because I was supposed to be clear. So second period, they call me in and take me to ISS. I got pissed...and called my mom..and went ot ask the AP about it..and she said that it didn't matter that my absences were cleared, I still had to serve ISS. At this point, I'm crying, because as a student, there is absolutely nothing I can say to this women to get me to listen to her...and it frustrates me...so much. My mom pulls me out of ISS, we try to get things cleared up, instead we sit in another women's office and she tells me..that..

1. I have no rights as a student, if I'm given directions, I MUST follow them.
2. That I deserve more then one day of ISS, since I'm making logical points..
3. That no matter what I say, I can't get out of ISS..and that all I want to do is argue with her about why I'm in ISS.

I'm crying so hard and she's still being Miss-I-don't-care-about-your-problems. I make a point that I'm missing more class and she says that it's helping my education to sit in ISS. And then claims that..

1. Teacher's have no impact on education.
2. The administration has the right to tell me what to do.
3. I have no rights and no say in what's good for MY education.
4. Only the administration matters in terms of education.

Don't you think it's illogical for them to stick me in ISS for being ABSENT. It's like, come on stupid...let's let you miss MORE school...and ruin your future even more by telling you that you won't graduate. They use that threat so much and all it does is make me angry. I've worked to hard for too long for them to tell me some kind of--if only I cussed--like that. They act like they can stop me from succeeding. I'll be dead before they do that. If I don't graduate, then I'll get a GED, take my full scholarship to Hutchingson Community College and then transfer the next semester. I'm not stupid and I will succeed with or without their support. It just makes me angry that they would rather suppress a student and teach them that thinking is bad rather then acknowledge the fact that sometimes things are more then just black or white. I hate how they tell me I won't be successful, sorry, I'll be successful, because I've had good parents, grandparents, friends, and teachers who have embraced the fact that I know how to think. Thank God for them, because I know that all public school teaches you is to follow and suppresses free thought. I can say that, debate, Mr. Cunningham, Mr. Tansil, and a few other teachers actually teach students to THINK.

Sorry, I'm totally slamming public school, but I see an inherent flaw in my school and it frustrates me that no one is looking for a solution for why so many Title 1 schools fail. It's not teachers or students, it's the mindset that the administration works under and right now..the one at Del Valle...sucks, majorly.

I'm so angry.
But, wish Del Valle High School CX Debate teams Good Luck at districts,
and text/call/message me if you need to talk.
Love you guys.
-Becky

I'm a bit offended..

Well, I'm working from kubuntu, because I got a laptop from debate and my boyfriend decided I needed to learn something new...and that's not why I'm offended.

I really feel like this "drama" from some girls at church is getting out of hand and a bit more personal then I am comfortable with. I have no problem with anyone at church, because honestly..there isn't a reason for me to be. We are all daughters of our Heavenly Father, who will help each of us and who loves each of us the same. I don't intentionally hurt anyones feelings or make them feel bad. I am personally, offended about some comments that were made about me. Yes, I did just loose my Dad..and yes, I can afford to cut some people some slack..and I really wish that no one had to go through death..because the only person that can console a death is God...I am just feeling overwhelmed with some contentious feelings now. Feelings that didn't exist, 20 minutes ago. I mean, geez, how is it that this is one-sided? I just lost my dad, I understand the sense of loss, the pain, all of that. I can't hold the things that people say out of grief against them, because it's really easy to get angry when you know that there isn't anything that anyone can do.

A few weeks ago, the Bishop gave us a lesson on forgiveness. I chose to forgive, the moment that the Bishop showed us what forgiveness allows us to do. I chose to forgive long before that..maybe I am not implementing my forgiveness correctly, but I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm nice, then it seems superficial; if I'm polite, it's not genuine; if I joke around, it's mean; if I respond, it's not Christ-like. I really want a resolution and I felt like things were getting better. I haven't been to church in a few weeks..and maybe I missed something..but I'm sure someone would have told me if something bad happened. Now I'm really stressed out..and really want someone to talk to..because I need advice. I'm not sure why this couldn't have been resolved a long time ago. I really, truly, don't know what it is that I even did wrong in the first place, but however I offended whoever I offended, I truly apologize. I hate the idea of having someone not like me, but I am aware that I can never go back and change any of it.

That's the problem though, isn't it? I can't go back, because let me tell you something, I would go back and change so much..just little things that I could have done differently..especially concerning my Dad. The thing is that we can't go back, so we have to FORGIVE one another and ourselves for the things that were said and done. Ultimately, that forgiveness, has more to do with yourself..then anyone else. I mean, do I really want to let go of the hurtful things that were said to me? Do I really want to let go of the things I could have done differently? Do I really want to give all my sorrows and pains to my Savior? Do I want to give my control over my life to my loving Savior? Do I want to let him take my pain and forgive? I know, it's easy to say, "yes, I can"..but how easy is it really? The plan that our loving Heavenly Father put in place for us to help us grow strength sounds so simple. But as humans, we have the natural instinct to try and read another person and judge them based on our own knowledge of their sufferings, but the reason that Christ commanded us in Luke, to not judge one another is so that we can better forgive. How can I judge what's in the heart of another? I can't, but I can trust the heart of my Heavenly Father and of Jesus Christ. Christ's sacrifice proves so much that he loves each of us. The best person to judge forgiveness is our loving Father in Heaven, no one else can even begin to understand the pains of our hearts, better then He. So why don't we leave the judgments of someone else's heart, up to our God? What it comes down to is humility, can we really give all of this to God and give him control over our lives?

Like, don't get me wrong, this is my testimony, I would never in a million years claim that I am perfect at not judging people's hearts, feelings, or lives...I'm just making an observation about how each of us view forgiveness. I confess that I am really bad about it, a lot of the time. But, it's not something I am proud of and definitely not something I do because I want to inflict pain on someone else. I do it to avoid pain for myself. Call me selfish, but I am striving to be Christ-like, but I know that I have so far, so far, to go. Christ is the perfect example, He, knowingly, walked into our pains and afflictions, so that we may feel relief from them, both in this life and the life to come. The funny thing is that He knew, what He was facing and so did Our Father, but He walked into it, out of love and devotion to all of us who were unable to lead our own lives without a path for redemption. He knew that He was to be doubted by Thomas, but He still loved and trusted him. Shouldn't we do the same? Should we walk into a situation with good intentions only to think, because we can't truly know, that we will be hurt? It's a very human desire to want to avoid pain, but I think I will sacrifice my own hurt feelings and my own pain, in order to somehow resolve this whole thing. I am willing to get my feelings hurt because I want this situation to be over with. I will forgive anything that is said, even if I don't forget right away, because I hate seeing this divide in the Young Women. I'm not saying that I just want to be acquaintances, I mean, friends or at least, friendly. I would rather be hurt then have to cause pain, I am willing to trust that God will give me the strength to not loose my temper, to not stay hurt, and to forgive.

-Becky

I love you Daddy, you will be missed. RIP!

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."- Eskimo Proverb

This is that kind of blog, that kind where you never know exactly what to say or how to put things...and I'm a the kind of person who is never unable to use my words to convey what I'm feeling..so hopefully this isn't the most horrible peace of writing ever and I know you'll forgive me..but I guess I shouldn't worry about what you guys think of it...

I asked my mom if I could write the obituary, but I have no idea how to start or how long it should be or anything. I feel like, somehow this is my way of saying goodbye to him. I love to write, so I am hoping that it will make him proud of me..or that somehow it will lessen the grief I feel. I just know that it will make me feel so much better if I get everything that I'm feeling off my chest. I loved him very much, even though we argued like crazy..I still loved him..and I know he loved me. I want him to know how much..and now I'll never get the chance to tell him...I know he knew..but I look back and I want to take so much back and I can't. I hate that feeling, where you can't change something no matter how hard you try...the only thing we can do is pray for him to rest peacefully and for us to have the strength to live our lives without him. I know he's never fully gone..and that this isn't the end..but that doesn't stop me from missing him. Gosh..I just want everyone to promise me that they will never go to sleep angry with anyone and that they will tell people that they love, I love you as often as possible. Everytime you say goodbye make sure they know how much you love them.

I'm just not really the same person I was in the past. I'll never, ever, be the person that I was...because part of me is gone. I have so many memories with my Dad..my loving Daddy...like, when I got my heart broken, for the first time..I was, seriously like 16..and I cried to him..and he just held me..and told me that I needed some chocolate ice cream and chick flicks...or something to that effect. I'll miss that kind of humor..and I'll never forget the times he held me when I was sick..or all the times he'd wake us up really early and take us garage saling. I'll miss those times, forever, but I can't bring them back..and I'm so happy that I have them..because somehow that makes his passing more of a bitter sweet then a bitter memory.

You know that cliche..where they say that laughter is the cure to grief...and it's so true..I am so grateful for my family..and for my chosen family..Travis and all of my friends who have stood by me. A lot of people really surprised me..and I'm am just so grateful for all the support I have recieved. You have no idea how much just being there has helped me..how all the prayers..are helping...just keep praying and doing whatever you feel you need to. Travis...tried so hard the whole time he was here to make me and my family laugh..and he helped us so much.

I think I'm going to try and go back to school soon, I might miss some days next week..so I'll probably be at school on Thursday.....not that I'll be functioning. I just don't really want to keep explaining it to people..so if you see me..please don't ask. You can hug me..but I don't want to have to explain..because everytime I do..I have to relive this morning..over and over...and I can't do that...it hurts so much...

Anyway..this was long-winded..but I hope that it made you think and remember your loved ones. The quote at the beginning was something my sister's friend left on her facebook, that I absolutely adore. I guess there is a new star in the Heavens tonight. I know he's looking down and sending his love..I just really want a hug.

I love all of you.
-Becky

Two months is a long time!!!

Wow! I should post more, but here's an update..for all of you have been going crazy...not talking to me..or reading from me. Well, this is my update, sorry if it's a little long..and boring!

So, I'll start with school or schooling...first. I got into Sterling College in Sterling, KS. Woo...but I've realized just how much debt I would have to incur and just how scary it is to go into debt..especially in a spiraling economy. I mean, they awarded me a $9,000 dollar scholarship, per year, but....that still leaves me with $13, 500 to figure out, of course, this excludes my FAFSA..but I don't know how much I'm going to get for that...so..I can't really bank on a lot of money. So I will be in debt..my debate coach says that it's better to try a community college, out-of-state, because I could get a full-ride and be picked up on the college radar for debate. It's like a blow to my pride to hear that...and it's hard to think of that. It's a back up plan. It's not ACC, it's Hutchinson CC in Kansas.....and like..they have housing...and I can be picked up that way..I don't know..we'll see. I guess I have a lot of praying to do.

Now, on to...Senior Year! It's been crazy and insane! Like I keep thinking I hope I don't get burned-out from all the work...like..working and going to school..but I don't think I will..I mean, people do it all the time...and plus, I am having some fun. I can't wait for graduation..but I'm nervous...still.

It's Christmas-Time!!! =] We're "putting up the tree" So I got to go..and help clean up..some. We just had to clean a part of the garage. :)

-Becky

Pray for Kayla...

All the people that read this probably have never met her, but please pray for her anyway.
Kayla, had a recent kidney transplant, well her body rejected the kidney..please pray for her.

And please pray for her family as well, Kayla is Travis's brother...
right now they just left for Louisville where Kayla is in the hospital...
Travis, his mom, Nicole, and their Aunt are all on their way down there right now.
Pray that it will be a safe trip...and for Kayla's recovery.

Thank you guys so much..
-Becky